Reclaiming the Sun

It’s summer again in the city, which means a number of certainties: the air will present the invigorating perfume of rotting fish and overactive sweat glands, my electricity bill will skyrocket as I attempt to keep my apartment at the modest ideal of “anything below boiling point,” and our country’s children will prowl the streets in search of amusement.  Summer has always belonged to youths (as we’ll call them so as to dissolve any differentiation between myself and our country’s porch-sitting, early-birding geriatric community), and at this point, there’s really no point in trying to reclaim it.  They will invade the parks with their awkward courtship, their cell phone chips will distract from our $12 blockbusters, and try as you might, you’ll be hard pressed to walk a block without being blitzkrieged by a veritable human wall of pre-pubescent iPod zombies.  No, trying to reclaim summer from the pimply masses is like trying to sit through The Burning of the Red Lotus Temple: eventually, despite your better judgement, you’ll break down and accept your fate.

So, instead of pulling a Napoleon or giving into the looming cloud of awkwardness, I suggest avoiding the whole lot completely as they rampage our best months with ego-maniacal yammering and initialisms.  Here are a few ideas of how to do so:

Avoid Midtown – Sure, this should be standard operating procedure all year long, but in summer you have to be extra careful in midtown, as the plentiful shopping and famous landmarks serve as jailbait bait.  Through my observations, I’ve found if they haven’t seen it on TV or in movies, it’s probably safe from angsty teenage mobs.  Of note: if you’re in the suburbs, the mall can stand in for midtown.  Same stores, half the price, all the kids.

Stay Out of the Multiplexes - Yes, I know: movies are ubiquitously “summer.”  But the bad news is the youth know this too, and so, with meager summer job paychecks and a wasteland of summer programming keeping their TV screens black, kids descend upon our multiplexes like Moses’ locusts upon ancient Egypt.  If you must see movies this summer, though (and trust me, I’m empathetic), there are two saving graces.  First, kids seem outrightly allergic to anything interesting, so you’re safe at the arthouse cinemas.  And second, the youth need copious sleep from all their shenanigans, so hit up the matinees and you’ll be safe of any mid-movie texting.

Say “No” to H2O - The youth of summer love being near water.  This includes pools, lakes, ponds, the ocean, and really any other place the little ones can shed themselves of their $150 “distressed” threads and stare at each other.

Soak in Some Culture – After months of being force-fed facts and figures and cathartically basking in the mind-numbing glow of “The Hills,” the last thing kids want to do during their summer break is actually learn.  That said, any museum, art gallery, nature preserve, or any other locale that can offer any brain food will serve as an effective youth repellant.

Go to “Adults-Only” Locations - The one perk to having shed your teenage skin is being able to go where ankle biters can’t.  But with kids conjuring up new ways to sneak into R-rated movies, acquiring a taste for what previously took years of sacrifice and burned tongues, and being allowed by neglectful parents to act more like us every day, it’s becoming harder to actually avoid the little bastards even when the setting seems safe.  That’s where adults-only locations come in: concurrently offering entertainment and sanctuary from the kids who seek to grow up too fast.  A note: “adults-only” doesn’t have to mean strip-clubs and porn theatres.  Bars and comedy clubs are a good, non-seedy place to start.

There you have it: just a few ideas to help lessen your adolescent-fueled rage during the summer months.  Sure, the summer belongs to kids, but that doesn’t mean they should get it all to themselves.  So go out, have fun, and avoid any of those nasty “infected” zones until the schoolbells ring again.  You can wait until September, can’t you?